Here is your guide to personal improvement and self-fulfillment.

Faradic Acupuncture
-Ancient Chinese techniques combined with modern technology to induce tetanic reactions in specialized muscle groups. Low or high voltages available, but it's the amps that really count. This treatment increases muscle tone and removes unwanted hair as well as imparts a feeling of relaxed well-being to those who have completed the entire 5-shock series.

Aerosol Inhalation
- Misting of essential oils combined with seawater to clear chronic respiratory obstruction and excessive mucous production. Often combined with gentle suction keep our guests saying, "I thought it was oysters, but it's not." Included in the Winchester package.

Hydrothermatic therapy
- Alternate dunking in near boiling water, then join the polar bear club with total ice-water immersion, followed by repeated insults and personal abuse. This alternative approach to mental fitness provides a mind-numbing experience similar to becoming a navy seal.

Retinosis
- Intense flashing of a high-power electronic photoflash directly into the open iris washes and purifies the visual cortex, affects eyesight and eventually produces visions of swirling deities. Yes, you can see god(s). Latent images are eventually introduced to suggest any of a dozen behaviors we have on file, or we can customize one just for you!

Massage exfoliation
- Invigorating deep massage using a variety of steam powered vacuum-vibrators to fold and suck the top few layers of skin, realign muscle positions and manipulate connective body tissues. Reinvent yourself using our computer simulation software and let our expert kineticogists do the rest.

Mystic colonic & Sihtz Bath
- Usually followed by visit to our resident Guru, Soar-a Butta, this hole-istic approach combines the Loofah scrub with a salt-avacado oil rub and gentle enema. Restores balance and spiritual awareness...oh, ya!

Dung Rub
- Clear your head with this innovative sinus treatment. Only the finest Indo-asian sacred manure, matured in vats to reach a final product rich in goodness, is used. The body is then wrapped in hot rubber sheets, handcuffed to the bedpost and whipped gently until you cry Mommy. This results in relaxation and organic revitalization. An El Basurero exclusive!

Re-education Tank
- A relaxing sedative immersion in our unique hot wax rich in bromide, iodine, sulfurous gasses and salts. After cooling, wax layers are rapidly stripped from the skin while you learn to design multimedia presentations on the Mac computer.

Vision Quest Package includes all the above and more...